TABLE FUCKER

FOX NEWS
KEEPING YOU SAFE FROM TERROR
BRINGS YOU THIS SUPER DUPER CRIMSON ALERT
***NEWSFLASH***
MAN FUCKS TABLE

BELLEVUE, OH) -- Police say a man in Bellevue, Ohio was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table.

Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.

The neighbor -- who wishes to remain anonymous -- saw Price walk out onto his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole in the umbrella to have sex.

The most recent instance took place March 14, we're told. A neighbor videotaped Price.

"The first video we had, he was completely nude. He would use the hole from the umbrella and have sex with the table," Johnson says.

Police say Price admitted to the crimes -- four charges of public indecency. Usually these sorts of things are misdemeanors, but in this case, they are felonies.

"What boosts it up to a felony is that the statute says if it's likely to be viewed by a minor," Johnson explains.

The Price family did not want to talk with us, but neighbors did. Some are not happy Price was released on his own recognizance.

"He shouldn't be allowed just for the fact that he could do that again -- and nude that close to a school. That should be zero tolerance," says Brice Jacobs, a neighbor.

Price is married with three school-aged children. Neighbors tell us they're now worried about the kids.

"Hopefully it stays between the adults and the kids don't get a lot of the information so they aren't so cruel to the little kids," says Emily Grote, a neighbor.

This case has police in this small town shaking their heads. "Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around," Johnson says.

GOD BLESS AMERIKKKA, MY HOME SWEET HOME

oh and btw my marshmallow video has hit the pages of the most important publication in the known universe
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20186643,00.html