Saturday, July 25, 2009

DJ Requests: Translated...

Now first let me say that if you come into a club where I am playing and dance, smile, have a great time, I am very grateful. However, I am a people watcher, mediator and lover of language. I realize that what people say isn't always what they mean. So here is the first of what I'm sure will be many installments of what I like to call:

DJ Requests: Translated...

Basically I'm going to translate what people are really saying when they walk up to a DJ at a club and request music. Ready, aiiight let's go.

Request: Jeremiah "Birthday Sex"

(One R Kelly is enough per lifetime.)

Means: Hey, can you kill the dancefloor, make everyone stop dancing so I can commit a PDA with my boyfriend / girlfriend and make everyone uncomfortable?

or... Hey, can you make everyone stop dancing so we can all stand around akwardly for about 5 minutes.

Request: Nelly Furtado

Means: Hey, I'm really only 12 years old and I want to get drunk and hear my song before security finds out my I.D. is fake.

Request: Hey man, play some classic Hip-Hop.
Means: I'm over 30 and I want to prove to my friends that I can still do the running man and the Kid 'N Play kickstep.

Request: Play some T.I.

(How come this man doesn't know how to wear a hat?)

Means: I like songs that go "AYYYYYYY!" and when the song goes "AYYYYYYYY!" I like to pump my fist in the air and go "AYYYYYYY!"

Request: Play some T-Pain.

(When I was a child I was deathly afraid of a metal toothed monster waiting in the closet to eat me, or my Grammy's, wow, he has Grammy's)

Means: I'm tone deaf.

Request: Play Lady GaGa
Means: Don't you just love "American Idol" and "So You Think You Can Dance" as much as I do?

Footnote: If you are a male and straight you have no business pumping your fist to Lady GaGa and singing along.

Request: Hey man, do you have any "real" Hip-Hop.
Means: I will be leaving this club alone.

Request: Play some Akon.

Means: I'm really tone deaf and I like to sing along.

Request: Play some Kanye West.

Means: I hate music (and books apparently).
Footnote: If the requestor is dressed like Kanye when he makes the request it's okay because he's just preparing for his role as Theo in the updated stage revival of The Cosby Show.

Request: Drake
Means: I used to really love DeGrassi High.

or I like songs that sound like Lil' Wayne but aren't by Lil' Wayne.

Request: Master P

Means: I think it's 1994.

Request: Beyonce "Single Ladies"

Means: You hate me.

Request: Prince.

Means: You're awesome.

Now before we wrap up this installment I have to make a couple comments about club fashion. I am a male so feel free to correct me on this but:

If you wear a backless dress and or top isn't it tacky to have your entire bra showing?

FauxHawks are dead.
Colored fauxhawks and deader.
Colored fauxhawks with a gotee and an Ed Hardy-esque shirt, deadest.

I love you all.


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